Friday, March 28, 2008

A Public Service Announcement

Have a fun and safe weekend!

And remember...friends don't let friends drink and cube.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

LOST...On Gilligan's Island

Lost On Gilligan's Island was originally filmed as a dramatic television program, but it was found to be too dark for audiences in the nineteen sixties.

It was retooled as a slapstick comedy and renamed Gilligan's Island.

The original footage was the inspiration for LOST, so if you want to try and figure out what's going to happen next to the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 just go watch some old re-runs of Gilligan's Island until Thursday April 24th.

Too Much Information...

I was talking with a fellow blogger about weird searches that find our respective blogs recently and decided it had been a while since I last checked out my own statistics.

Every now and then, I look to see who's stopping by and how they are finding their way to my little corner of the Internet.

Sometimes, I don't really want to know the answers.

For example, the last time I did a post about this I had discovered that someone had Googled the phrase Scuba Transvestite Kleptomaniac Robots and was for some odd reason directed here.

I've tried to block out all thoughts as to why they may have been looking that up from my mind.

This time I found out that the two most popular Google searches that are bringing people to my blog are:

1.) People searching the phrase Statute Of Limitations Rape, which can either be construed as a lawyer doing research or the more disturbing thought...that it is a criminal doing research.

2.) The odd and equally disturbing - people searching for pictures of Tom Leppard, the guy with tattooed leopard spots all over his body.

These are the anonymous visitors to my blog.

In order to cater to my target audience of people with robot fetishes, lawyers, assorted weirdoes and Tom Leopard lovers I should probably rethink what I choose to write about here...but I probably won't.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Wookiees Have More Fun...

Originally Han Solo attempted to woo Marylin Monroe, but after being rebuffed several times and called a “scruffy nerf herder” he finally took notice that she seemed to have her eye on his best friend and co-pilot Chewbacca.
Out of respect for Solo the Wookiee kept his distance.
Han told Chewie “She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid” thus giving him the go-ahead he needed.
He made his move and the rest is history.
An unlikely couple that sure knew how to party!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Toy & Action Figure Museum...

When we were moving up to Oklahoma from Texas back in January we saw a sign advertising The Toy & Action Figure Museum and last Friday Gabriel and I decided to go on an expedition to find it.

The museum is located in the downtown area of Pauls Valley.

There are exhibits containing Star Wars, Ninja Turtles, Batman, Spider-Man, Iron Man and Green Lantern which display several different incarnations and also the evolution of some of these popular action figures.

The museum is also home to the Oklahoma Cartoonists Collection which features Dick Tracy and Alley Oop.

The main display is a huge diorama dubbed "The Adult Toy Collector's Bedroom" which depicts the moment the toys in the collection have come to life and have taken over the entire room. It's basically a mass of every action figure imaginable in all kinds of poses covering every inch of space available with some flying through the air of their own volition or in commandeered toy aircraft. We spent quite some time checking it out and trying to identify as many toys as we could.

Our favorite part though was the "World War II Exhibit" which is a tribute to the men and women who have served their country in the armed forces during WWII. It was a really well put together display of twelve inch G.I. Joe type action figures. One display focused on the European theater and another the Pacific theater. There was a lot of attention to detail in this exhibit. There were two older gentleman who undoubtedly served in WWII that took their time looking over this exibit and I noticed them giving it a nod of approval.
It was a neat way to spend the afternoon. Once we got back home Gabriel wanted to setup all of his action figures in a display.
He has himself quite a collection.

Think we spoil him? Well...maybe just a little.

Monday, March 24, 2008


Pixeloo has some creepy looking, but amazingly well done Photoshop versions of what Nintendo's Mario and Homer Simpson would look like if they were real human beings instead of cartoons. Go check it out!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter!

You can thank thirteen years of Catholic school education for my warped sense of humor.

Anyway, I'm taking a moment to remember what today means to me...and it ain't about colored eggs, chocolate or some stupid bunny.

Today, as we celebrate Easter, I would like to reflect on the resurrection of Jesus Christ and my gratitude for his sacrafice.

Easter can be a time of reflection for many people though.

A time to think about the beginnings and endings of the past year.

With that in mind, enjoy the prequel to The Easter Bunny Hates You.

I hope you all have a wonderful day celebrating Easter with your families and friends in whatever manner you long as it does not involve that evil bastard The Easter Bunny.

After all - Jesus loves you, but the Easter Bunny sure as hell doesn't.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Is That A Banana In Your Pocket...

Or do you suffer from a priapism?

All those erectile dysfunction medication commercials warn that there are several side effects associated with taking their drug, such as blurred vision, headaches, indigestion, and painful erections that last four hours or more called priapsims.

Apparently, I may have had a priapism from age eleven to fourteen.

What else do we know about it though?

You may have heard the joke:

A man goes into a drugstore and up to a female pharmacist.
"Can I help you sir?" she says.
"Yes," answered the man. "What can you give me for a priapism?"
She responds "How about five hundred dollars in cash and part ownership of a drugstore?" (rimshot)

What you may not have heard is that the word priapism comes from the Greek god Priapus, known for his huge permanent erection.

In Greek mythology, Priapus is the protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia.

Evidently statues of Priapus were common in ancient Greece and Rome, standing in gardens or at doorways and crossroads.

They would be set as guardians and were often hung with little signs that threatened sexual violence towards transgressors of the boundaries that the statue protected.

It was a quite literally a “Trespassers Will Be Violently Raped” sign.

The statues were of a bearded male figure wearing a conical hat.
The top part of the figure could be removed to reveal a giant phallus underneath. It has also been suggested that the modern garden gnome popular today is a descendant of Priapus.

Yuck, I’ll never look at the Travelocity Gnome the same again.

Well, if you ever need a boner or some tomatoes, now you know who to pray to and knowing is half the battle! G.I. Joe!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ball Game...

I’m not a big sports fan.

I only occasionally watch sports and when I do it's usually only soccer, boxing and very rarely football.

I realize that this statement coupled with my admition to enjoying the dulcet music of ABBA on Zombie Fights Shark may have cost me many Man Points.

I have the perfect solution for bolstering my interest in sports and regaining a few Man Points as a bonus though.

Bring back ritual human sacrifice to sporting events.

The Mayans were an advanced civilization that are well known for their sophisticated mathematical and astronomical systems. Unfortunately, their entire culture was wiped out after one crazy Tequila Night at the opening of the first Senor Frogs.

Among the Mayan's many achievements was the invention of team sports using balls made from rubber trees.

Of course, with the invention of organized ball games came the first incarnation of the professional athlete. As is the case in our culture, these athletes were revered members of society.

Inevitably, however, with this adulation came problems. Thinking themselves to be better than those who did could not place a little rubber ball into a goal as accurately; the athletes were of very little value to the community when not competing. They began referring to themselves in the third person, traveling with large entourages, demanding more and more gold per game, abusing controlled substances and then crashing their wooden carts, and generally being a nuisance to the other villagers.

The Mayans, again being an advanced civilization, came up with the perfect solution. They decided that the best way to retain favor with the gods and keep their professional athletes in check was to sacrifice the losers of ball games by ritual decapitation.

Ritual sacrifice was typically limited to playoffs and championship matches, but I see no reason why we can't apply the practice to regular season games. Just look at how excited sports fans get when it's Taco Night, imagine if they think there is a chance that they will get to see a live execution. Attendance would increase significantly.

This simple concept could certainly help to coerce me into finally becoming a big sports fan.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Low Budget Star Wars: A Cardboard Hope

This video was an entry to YouTube's Be Kind Rewind competition.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Here it is...the requisite St. Patrick's Day post!
It's time once again to dust off your shamrocks and test your Irish luck, cause we're all green on St. Patrick's Day!
Saint Patrick, the Roman Catholic patron saint of the inebriated.
Today is the day where we mourn a great man, a humble and courageous man by drinking a whole bunch of green alcoholic beverages and by gathering with friends and family to have fun.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Golden Years...

I’m getting older and so, I’ve decided I’m going to become grumpy. Not because I have reason to, but just because it looks fun. I mean, you get to beat innocent people with a walker or cane without any real form of retaliation. Old people really have life figured out.

Must be that wisdom thing you supposedly get, but that doesn't sound as entertaining.

Besides, I've had my wisdom teeth extracted, so I might be exempt.

Which brings me to what any good financial advisor will tell you - you’re never too young to have a sound retirement plan. I couldn’t agree more.

Here’s mine: On my seventy-fifth birthday, I start shooting heroin.

Right there at the party. Next to the cake.

This may sound a tad extreme, but I’ve learned two things from watching VH1’s Behind the Music:

1) Heroin ruins everything - Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

2) Heroin must be pretty awesome - Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

Right now, I'm a clean-cut guy with responsibilities. I have a house and a family to support.

Once I reach my twilight years though it's going to be all about the smack.

So, while all my wrinkly-assed old friends are buying Craftmatic Adjustable Beds and trying to remember their names, I'm going to be be shooting junk. I’m going to be a withered mad man with liver spots and track marks.

In fact, when I hit seventy-five I may go crazy altogether and get tattoos all over my body, single-handedly bring back barnstorming and and live off of nothing but Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Hopefully Season will go along with my idea, either that or she'll be too old to put up much of a fight.

Plan for the future, kids. It's important!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Tax Dollars Hard At Work...

A proposed law currently making its way through the Florida legislature might help you with hat can be an embarrassing problem. Here's the bottom line, the bill will mandate that all eating establishments must have enough toilet paper in the restroom.

State Senator Victor Crist, a Republican from Tampa, believes that he has enough experience to regulate the amount of toilet paper necessary for the public's interest.

The Senate Regulated Industries Committee approved the bill, SB 836, on Monday. It has two more stops to go and as long as it's not wiped out before then, it could then go to the Senate floor. A similar measure is currently awaiting passage by the House.

Where was this guy when Mr. Whipple needed a law passed to stop giddy, middle-aged women from squeezing the Charmin®™©™?

Governments seem to have a bad habit of meddling in issues that are absolutely none of their concern.

Take restaurants for example...they are trying and are sometimes succeeding in telling them if they can be smoking or non, what food they can’t serve, what customers they can’t serve, and now, how much toilet paper must be in the restrooms.

Inspectors ensuring the cleanliness of restaurant kitchens are fine. After all, patrons can't tour the kitchen to find that out for themselves, but anyone can find out if an establishment has a nasty bathroom or is lacking toilet paper though.

If the place is not up to your standards, don’t go back!

No need for arbitrary government regulations.

Same goes for smoking or having healthier choices on the menu. Restaurant owners can make these decisions based on free market demands. It’s much easier and doesn’t waste tax dollars.

Government just needs to just butt out! (pun intended)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Question For The Ages...

It's a question we all ask ourselves at some point or another...

If I were driving cross-country and were forced to bring along a breakfast cereal mascot - which one would I bring?

This is a matter to be thought out carefully. All the aspects of the characters personality must be taken into consideration...

Tony The Tiger - He's irritatingly upbeat and loud. Constantly over using the word "Great" as a sentence enhancer. Also there is the whole he is a tiger and might decide to maul me thing.

Snap, Crackle & Pop - They would drive me crazy with their "He's touching me", "I need to go to the bathroom", and "Are we there yet" the whole way. Nope, I am not buying three car seats for that.

Sonny The Cuckoo Bird - No, he's mentally unstable. I'd have to monitor him the whole time making sure he's on his medication.

The Trix Rabbit - He's insatiably hungry all the time and you have to keep an eye on him around kids. No, he's a bad idea.

Sugar Bear - He seems pretty cool and mellow. He'd probably just get high, sleep a lot and not chip in for gas though.

Count Chocula - For being an undead ghoul he doesn't seem to crave blood like most vampires, so I should be safe with him. He could drive through the night while I slept, but his Romanian accent would get on my nerves after a while.

Franken Berry - He seems like a nice enough guy, but I don't think he would fit in my car. Plus he smells like strawberries and sweat.

Toucan Sam - That follow your nose catch phrase of his reeks of a bad cocaine addiction. I don't trust him at all.

My road trip companion would have to be:

Cap'n Crunch - Right off the bat he's got a quality that will come in useful on the trip. He's an excellent navigator. The Cap'n has been in the military since 1963, so you know he's got some good war stories.
Last, but certainly not least...things would never get soggy.

Who would you choose?

Monday, March 10, 2008

To Be, Or Not To Be...

It was the post that almost was.

The post that definitely was, but then disappeared.

The post that I wrote, and that was amazing, truly brilliant, would have had you nodding sagely at times, misty-eyed at others, and enlightened in the end.

You know that post? That post that you would have posted if only the blog monster hadn't eaten it? The kind of post that keeps you posting, that inspires postage in others, that ranks among the posts hall of fame, the post that other posts hold up as The God of all posts for worship, admiration, and envy. Lots and lots of envy. The kind of post that you never read here.

Oh the post, what a post it was. It never dithered. It was witty. It used peppery language that had us all cracking those half-smiles that we feel foolish for flashing at our computer screens. It was sweet, not sentimental, but with an edge.

Now it's gone, and you'll just have to take my word for its luminescence. It was a post like no other, but now it's floating around the void, unclaimed and unloved, like a lost sock that will live a hauntingly useless life behind the dryer, never to warm toes again.

Now you'll never know the stellar weekend I've had, or the nefarious characters Season and I met on the sidewalk while waiting for the light to turn green, or Gabriel's death defying tale of wonder and how he got that funny bruise shaped like Czechoslovakia. How will you sleep at night never knowing where that mysterious itch came from, or how I came to celebrate "National Crown Roast of Pork Day " on an ordinary Friday just like any other, or whether I am likely to find a dozen pith helmets in time (in time for what?!?!).

Worst of'll never get to hear the story about the guavas.

Yup. It's rough. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now. There's been an awful lot of exceedingly interesting things happening around here, and now you'll never know...but you can always guess.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Unhappy Hour...

Daylight Savings Time. Benjamin Franklin conceived of it. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle endorsed it. Winston Churchill campaigned for it. Kaiser Wilhelm first employed it. Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt went to war with it, and I hate it.

Sleep and I have a tenuous relationship at best and this really doesn’t help me at all. I’ve had insomnia since around my sophomore year in high school so I'm used to it, but I hate this farcical concept of springing forward to "save daylight".

Can we please get something straight? There is simply no way to "save daylight." People can spin the hands of their clocks like roulette wheels, but we're still going to have sunshine for about twelve hours and some change. The stubborn facts of astronomy are at work here and they can't be wished away.

Why do we do it?

It doesn't help agriculture. It has nothing to do with farmers, who traditionally haven't cared much for it. When the first DST law was making its way through Congress, farmers actually lobbied against it. Dairy farmers were especially upset because their cows still wanted to be milked every twelve hours, and had absolutely no interest in resetting their biological clocks.

DST doesn't save energy, it actually wastes energy and costs more. We've become a 24/7 society with people coming and going to work or to play no matter if it's dark or light out so it wouldn't be about conserving energy anymore.

DST may also be bad for your health by knocking your internal circadian clock out of sync.

Can’t we all agree to do away with this antiquated nonsense?

Friday, March 07, 2008

Man In The Arena...

I do not agree with all of John McCain's policies. There's quite a few things about him that make me take pause, but not nearly as many as the number I can find looking at Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton.

However, if there is one area that he seems very sincere and honest about is the love and pride he feels for this country. It's very obvious, and God knows he sacrificed enough for her. When asked about that service though he humbly states that he "failed".

Compare that to Barack "our country is mean" Obama, who regularly states how horrible our country is and how much we need to change it, or Hillary "America owes me the presidency" Clinton, who positively reeks of an attitude filled with entitlement.

McCain's may not be the perfect candidate, but to me he's by far a better choice than the other two.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

All Your Base Are Belong To Ben...

Ever since Benjamin Linus was introduced to Lost in Season 2, his goodness and badness - his truest motives - have been in doubt. Every week this character becomes more nuanced, more intricate, more interesting.

He was responsible for the murder of his own father and the rest of the island’s DHARMA Initiative operatives during "The Purge". He became the apparent leader of the "Others". He has lied to and manipulated just about every survivor of Oceanic Flight 815 in what appears to be every possible timeline. Often playing games with their minds, to his benefit and their detriment.

He’s probably the kind of guy who can see dozens of moves ahead in chess and read a table full of tells during a poker game.

Is this guy a diabolical evil genius, is he a guardian of something who will go to any lengths to keep it secret/safe from outside malevolent forces or he is only another pawn? You just gotta love this character!

In my opinion, Michael Emerson often steals the show with his incredible portrayal of Ben. I can't wait to see what he does next.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

D&D Creator Gary Gygax Dies...

Death attacks Gygax. Gygax misses his saving throw. Gygax dies.
Creator of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, Gary Gygax, died today at the age of sixty-nine in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.
I never played D&D as a kid, but was introduced to it later in life on a particularly boring field training exercise overseas. It ended up being a great way to pass the down time. I have to admit that Smail, the guy that got us all playing it was a bit of a "geek"...but he sure was a good story teller with a hell of an imagination. Gary Gygax may have passed on, but the legacy he leaves to gaming will live on forever.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

John McCain Wins GOP Nomination...

Presidential candidate John McCain wins RI, TX, OH and VT to lock up Republican nomination.

My sincere congratulations go out to Senator McCain and although I don't agree with him on certain issues he's the candidate that I will most likely support for the presidency.

Agree or disagree with his policies, I will always be thankful and respectful to John McCain for the sacrifices he made for his country. The man's a war hero, and nobody should forget that.

Who will he choose as a running mate though? I've heard the names of Huckabee, Romney, even Oklahoma's own J.C. Watts being tossed around. His VP choice will be critical to swing some votes his way.

Good luck Senator McCain...

Losing Their Religion...

After almost five years of war, many young Iraqis, exhausted by constant firsthand exposure to the violence of religious extremism, say they have grown disillusioned with religious leaders and skeptical of the faith that they preach.
In two months of interviews with forty young people in five Iraqi cities, a pattern of disenchantment emerged, in which young Iraqis, both poor and middle class, blamed clerics for the violence and the restrictions that have narrowed their lives.
"I hate Islam and all the clerics because they limit our freedom every day and their instruction became heavy over us," said Sara Sami, a high school student in Basra. "Most of the girls in my high school hate that Islamic people control the authority because they don't deserve to be rulers."
Atheer, a 19-year-old from a poor, heavily Shiite neighborhood in southern Baghdad, said: "The religion men are liars. Young people don't believe them. Guys my age are not interested in religion anymore."
Exposing the senseless violence of the religion of peace...seems these young Iraqis are smarter than our Berkeley students.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Military Service As A Factor to Become President: Oh, Wait..Nevermind

The Democrats tried to use military service in wartime as a litmus test for the Presidency in 2004, but are now disclaiming military service in wartime as “overrated” and unimportant.

In 2004, Democrats claimed that John Kerry was more qualified than Bush because Kerry had seen the battlefield in wartime. Wes Clark tried to paint the Presidential election in terms of one who had served in war versus one who allegedly hadn’t and declared Kerry more fit for the Presidency because of it.

“War. War. I’ve been there. So has John Kerry. I’ve heard the thump of enemy mortars. I’ve seen the tracers fly. Bled on the battlefield. Recovered in hospitals. Received and obeyed orders. Sent men and women into battle. Awarded medals, comforted families, attended funerals.”…

John Kerry has heard the thump of enemy mortars. He’s seen the flash of the tracers. He’s lived the values of service and sacrifice. In the Navy, as a prosecutor, as a senator, he proved his physical courage under fire. And he’s proved his moral courage too.”…

John Kerry will lead America with strength and wisdom. He has the will to fight. He has the moral courage born in battle to pursue and secure a strong peace.”

Now in 2008, military service in a time of war; not to mention one’s status as a prisoner of war for five and a half years; in the very same war Democrats politicized in the 2004 isn’t all that important.

“Everybody admires John McCain’s service as a fighter pilot, his courage as a prisoner of war. There’s no issue there. He’s a great man and an honorable man. But having served as a fighter pilot — and I know my experience as a company commander in Vietnam — that doesn’t prepare you to be commander-in-chief in terms of dealing with the national strategic issues that are involved. It may give you a feeling for what the troops are going through in the process, but it doesn’t give you the experience first hand of the national strategic issues.

If you look at what Hillary Clinton has done during her time as the First Lady of the United States, her travel to 80 countries, her representing the U.S. abroad, plus her years in the Senate, I think she’s the most experienced and capable person in the race, not only for representing am abroad, but for dealing with the tough issues of national security.”

I guess being married to a draft-dodging, military-loathing President now trumps actual service in the military.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Campaign Videopalooza...

This is a perfect example of why Barack Obama should not be president of the United States.

JayTea over at Wizbang has a great detailed point-by-point criticism of this videos ineffectiveness.

I'd like to add one more to the critique though...

“I will cut investments in unproven missile defense systems…”

Ummmm...watched the news lately? We just shot down a satellite orbiting the Earth at five miles a second! Not exactly what I would call “unproven”. There are dozens of “unproven” missile defense systems currently in service. I seem to recall we even docked one of those “unproven” systems in Haifa just for a little insurance.

I'd say he needs a lesson in reality, but what concerns me most is not that he's saying such naive things but that so many people believe whatever he says because he's got "personality".

And now we also have this video dripping with Cold War-style menace from Hillary Clinton...

I don't know about you, but I was definitely worried who was going to answer the phone.

Between a guy with three years of federal experience who's best idea to end a war is to lose, Bill Clinton’s First Lady, or McCain...well, not much of a head scratcher there. In fact cut off the last few seconds of Hillary on the phone and this would probably be a great campaign ad for John McCain. Better yet, just splice in Chuck Norris at the end instead, he would have been more believable than Hillary.