Friday, April 18, 2008

Back To Life, Back To Reality...

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A Day Of Mine That You Won't Be In...

We are on vacation!
Enjoy the extra three minutes a day you won’t waste reading my opinions, misadventures and attempts at being funny.
Try to do something productive with them instead, like not cry.

Yeah, I'll miss you too.

Monday, April 07, 2008

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers...

We’re getting ready for our family vacation to Disney World this Thursday and while doing some research I came across this video.

It’s about Tigger being accused of allegedly assaulting a child while they were posing for a photo...

You know the weirdest part about this whole thing?

I’m not surprised at all.

I've always suspected Tigger was a loose cannon. He’s increasingly hyper and strung out, seemingly always on the verge of snapping. Even Goofy, whose demeanor is defined by crazy, unpredictable behavior, never came off as out of control as Tigger did.

Tigger is violent and impulsive. He often behaves erratically, repeatedly taking risks with no apparent concept of the repercussions of his actions. He lacks a sense of fear and responsibility.

Come to think of it, most inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood show signs of some emotional or psychological disorder.

Winne The Pooh with his poor brain development and frequent “accidents” suggest a form of shaken bear syndrome. Among his maladies are cognitive impairment that is aggravated by his obsessive fixation on honey. Also his repetitive counting behavior may indicate obsessive compulsive disorder.

Eeyore suffers from chronic depression and post-traumatic stress disorder over the amputation of his tail, Piglet struggles with generalized anxiety disorder and Owl appears to be dyslexic.

It's high time to peel back the façade of perfection that Disney World has portrayed for far too long now.

Consider this fair warning Disney characters...

While we are at the Magic Kingdom I'll be keeping a sharp eye on all you seriously troubled individuals and if any of you are wandering around off your meds and start to act up around me or my family you better be prepared to for a beat down.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Drive Me Crazy...

Every time the vehicle in front of me stops to let another car merge into traffic that driver is wasting my gasoline.

Every single time I even tap the breaks, I am dissipating energy.

That energy had been perfectly useful kinetic energy, but now it is just heat, noise and worn down break pads. Thanks a lot.

Now I have to make more kinetic energy and do you know where that comes from?

The fuel in my gas tank...and that shit ain’t cheap.

Their energy is being wasted too, although obviously they don't seem to give a damn. They're too concerned about being polite.

They are exhibiting a reckless disregard for precious resources.

The cost can't be measured in money alone.

I want every single one of you "courteous drivers" to think long and hard about your own contribution to the political climate, the over consumption of natural resources, and the impact on the environment your actions are causing.

That's right; you are making everyone's lives worse in both a geopolitical and climatic sense.

It is like you are trying to destroy the world!

Just stop it and get out of my way already...I’ve got places to be.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

By The Power Of Greyskull!

I have the power! The power to embarrass myself and others!

Season is kind and patient enough to try and introduce me to other adults from time to time. I can usually escape unscathed and without causing too much embarrassment to our family, but at other times...

Well, you know how sometimes you say something and then realize that maybe; just maybe, you should have kept that thought internal?

Me too! We have so much in common, we should hang-out.

Anyway, some vendors from Season's account invited her to dinner and were kind enough to extend the invitation to me as well.

We met up at the restaurant, got through the introductions and opening pleasantries and were just sitting around talking, when somehow the subject of middle names came up.

As we each tossed out our favorite middle name one of the ladies mentioned that she once knew a girl whose middle name was Sheera.

The correct response would have been to nod, perhaps give an affirmative "hmmm" sound and allow the conversation to move on to the next person with a name to share.

Unfortunately, this is not at all how it went.

She said "Sheera", but my brain interpreted it as "She-Ra."

So I said "She-Ra! As in The Princess of Power?!?!?!"

In my mind it was so funny that undoubtedly my witticism would be greeted by gales of laughter, a hearty slap on the back and a look of loving pride from my gal...then there was a moment of doubt.

Before I could stop myself though I looked around the table and realized that I had already said it and said it rather loudly.

So comment was received by odd looks, a polite giggle from Season (thanks beauty) and a quick subject change.

Please, as if they weren't fans of He-Man And The Masters of the Universe as kids too. Pffffft. Whatever.

Hopefully I didn't embarrass Season too much, but at least I got a free meal out of it.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Conspiracy Theory

I was scouring through the house for batteries to put into one of our ten remote controls and I came across my solar calculator.

It occurred to me that:

You can buy one solar calculator and it should last you your entire life.

Why would you ever need to buy a new one?

Math isn’t going to change and until the Earth is hit by an asteroid which throws enough dust into the atmosphere to block out the sun there is always going to be sunlight.

This raises two questions for me:

1. Who works on math equations in the dark?

2. Who is at the source of the conspiracy to prevent other household items from being solar powered?

I’ll tell you who – the battery companies.

The damn battery companies.