Friday, March 14, 2008

The Golden Years...

I’m getting older and so, I’ve decided I’m going to become grumpy. Not because I have reason to, but just because it looks fun. I mean, you get to beat innocent people with a walker or cane without any real form of retaliation. Old people really have life figured out.

Must be that wisdom thing you supposedly get, but that doesn't sound as entertaining.

Besides, I've had my wisdom teeth extracted, so I might be exempt.

Which brings me to what any good financial advisor will tell you - you’re never too young to have a sound retirement plan. I couldn’t agree more.

Here’s mine: On my seventy-fifth birthday, I start shooting heroin.

Right there at the party. Next to the cake.

This may sound a tad extreme, but I’ve learned two things from watching VH1’s Behind the Music:

1) Heroin ruins everything - Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

2) Heroin must be pretty awesome - Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

Right now, I'm a clean-cut guy with responsibilities. I have a house and a family to support.

Once I reach my twilight years though it's going to be all about the smack.

So, while all my wrinkly-assed old friends are buying Craftmatic Adjustable Beds and trying to remember their names, I'm going to be be shooting junk. I’m going to be a withered mad man with liver spots and track marks.

In fact, when I hit seventy-five I may go crazy altogether and get tattoos all over my body, single-handedly bring back barnstorming and and live off of nothing but Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Hopefully Season will go along with my idea, either that or she'll be too old to put up much of a fight.

Plan for the future, kids. It's important!

9 Comments:

Anonymous Season said...

No grumpiness allowed and no shooting heroin either!
I do like the tattoo idea though not all over your body.
You know I love tattoos!

14/3/08 08:09  
Blogger Jeff said...

I'm all for your retirement plan. Now all you need is an endorsement from the AARP.

14/3/08 08:12  
Blogger Lioux said...

OMG, DF!!!

We should TOTALLYhang out with Clinton when we become Awesome Old Men.

We could go on and on about the good ol' blogging days and everything.

14/3/08 09:06  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Season - I figure you’ll probably have me committed to some old folks home long before I turn seventy-five anyway. Enjoy spending my 401K; just make sure I have a cute nurse. ;)

Jeff - This one is for you.

Lioux - I am so there! Clinton's Blog is a big inspiration to mine, but just like the kids...he never visits.

14/3/08 09:22  
Anonymous Noelle said...

If you don't have something to aspire to, how will you ever succeed? Enjoy counting down the days to smack!

14/3/08 09:53  
Anonymous fidelio said...

I like the age progression photo of you and Season up there.
I really doubt she will go along with any of this, but you can sign me up for the barnstorming and cheetos, I can do without the heroin and full body tattoos.

14/3/08 09:57  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Noelle - Yep, and as you see I am shooting for the stars!

Mason - Isn't it a great likeness though? Season is not having any of it, but if she gets alzheimers when she gets old I’ll convince her it was all her idea.

14/3/08 10:55  
Blogger Season said...

Hey I finally blogged. Go check it out!

14/3/08 19:28  
Anonymous Sharp As A Marble said...

I'm looking forward to becoming a grumpy old man, but that is one extreme retirement plan you thought up. More power to you if you can do all that at the age of seventy-five!

17/3/08 13:18  

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