The Golden Years...

I’m getting older and so, I’ve decided I’m going to become grumpy. Not because I have reason to, but just because it looks fun. I mean, you get to beat innocent people with a walker or cane without any real form of retaliation. Old people really have life figured out.

Must be that wisdom thing you supposedly get, but that doesn't sound as entertaining.

Besides, I've had my wisdom teeth extracted, so I might be exempt.

Which brings me to what any good financial advisor will tell you - you’re never too young to have a sound retirement plan. I couldn’t agree more.

Here’s mine: On my seventy-fifth birthday, I start shooting heroin.

Right there at the party. Next to the cake.

This may sound a tad extreme, but I’ve learned two things from watching VH1’s Behind the Music:

1) Heroin ruins everything - Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

2) Heroin must be pretty awesome - Rock stars are willing to lose it all just to get more heroin.

Right now, I'm a clean-cut guy with responsibilities. I have a house and a family to support.

Once I reach my twilight years though it's going to be all about the smack.

So, while all my wrinkly-assed old friends are buying Craftmatic Adjustable Beds and trying to remember their names, I'm going to be be shooting junk. I’m going to be a withered mad man with liver spots and track marks.

In fact, when I hit seventy-five I may go crazy altogether and get tattoos all over my body, single-handedly bring back barnstorming and and live off of nothing but Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Hopefully Season will go along with my idea, either that or she'll be too old to put up much of a fight.

Plan for the future, kids. It's important!