Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ball Game...

I’m not a big sports fan.

I only occasionally watch sports and when I do it's usually only soccer, boxing and very rarely football.

I realize that this statement coupled with my admition to enjoying the dulcet music of ABBA on Zombie Fights Shark may have cost me many Man Points.

I have the perfect solution for bolstering my interest in sports and regaining a few Man Points as a bonus though.

Bring back ritual human sacrifice to sporting events.

The Mayans were an advanced civilization that are well known for their sophisticated mathematical and astronomical systems. Unfortunately, their entire culture was wiped out after one crazy Tequila Night at the opening of the first Senor Frogs.

Among the Mayan's many achievements was the invention of team sports using balls made from rubber trees.

Of course, with the invention of organized ball games came the first incarnation of the professional athlete. As is the case in our culture, these athletes were revered members of society.

Inevitably, however, with this adulation came problems. Thinking themselves to be better than those who did could not place a little rubber ball into a goal as accurately; the athletes were of very little value to the community when not competing. They began referring to themselves in the third person, traveling with large entourages, demanding more and more gold per game, abusing controlled substances and then crashing their wooden carts, and generally being a nuisance to the other villagers.

The Mayans, again being an advanced civilization, came up with the perfect solution. They decided that the best way to retain favor with the gods and keep their professional athletes in check was to sacrifice the losers of ball games by ritual decapitation.

Ritual sacrifice was typically limited to playoffs and championship matches, but I see no reason why we can't apply the practice to regular season games. Just look at how excited sports fans get when it's Taco Night, imagine if they think there is a chance that they will get to see a live execution. Attendance would increase significantly.

This simple concept could certainly help to coerce me into finally becoming a big sports fan.

6 Comments:

Anonymous fidelio said...

Ritual beheadings now that's fun for the whole family and don't worry I won't hold that ABBA thing against you. You are still a man's man to me. Wait, that sounds kind of gay.

18/3/08 11:48  
Blogger Lioux said...

Clinton has similar theories on this subject too, DF!

18/3/08 12:53  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Mason - Your absolutley right! Nothing brings people together like watching other people die.

I have some bad news for you though I can’t reciprocate your man-crush on me...your just not my type.

Lioux - Thanks for the link. Clinton’s fixes seem to apply only to baseball and are, for the most part non-violent, whereas my strictly violent idea can be universally applied to all sports.

18/3/08 13:29  
Anonymous Sharp As A Marble said...

I'm a New York Yankees fan. I'll enjoy the game either way, but I can see the appeal of your idea. Thin out the herd.

ABBA though? Seriously?

18/3/08 13:54  
Anonymous bethtopaz said...

Came across your blog while doing research for a paper I have to turn in on The Maya civilization. This was very funny and provided a much needed break to a lot of boring research. Thanks and I hope you keep writing.

Beth Barnat, Winters, CA

18/3/08 18:29  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

SAAM - Good to have an actual sports fan on board with my idea and yes, ABBA.

Beth - Glad I could provide some relief to your research.
I hope you stop by again sometime.

18/3/08 19:07  

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