Take Me Out To The Ball Game...

I’m not a big sports fan.

I only occasionally watch sports and when I do it's usually only soccer, boxing and very rarely football.

I realize that this statement coupled with my admition to enjoying the dulcet music of ABBA on Zombie Fights Shark may have cost me many Man Points.

I have the perfect solution for bolstering my interest in sports and regaining a few Man Points as a bonus though.

Bring back ritual human sacrifice to sporting events.

The Mayans were an advanced civilization that are well known for their sophisticated mathematical and astronomical systems. Unfortunately, their entire culture was wiped out after one crazy Tequila Night at the opening of the first Senor Frogs.

Among the Mayan's many achievements was the invention of team sports using balls made from rubber trees.

Of course, with the invention of organized ball games came the first incarnation of the professional athlete. As is the case in our culture, these athletes were revered members of society.

Inevitably, however, with this adulation came problems. Thinking themselves to be better than those who did could not place a little rubber ball into a goal as accurately; the athletes were of very little value to the community when not competing. They began referring to themselves in the third person, traveling with large entourages, demanding more and more gold per game, abusing controlled substances and then crashing their wooden carts, and generally being a nuisance to the other villagers.

The Mayans, again being an advanced civilization, came up with the perfect solution. They decided that the best way to retain favor with the gods and keep their professional athletes in check was to sacrifice the losers of ball games by ritual decapitation.

Ritual sacrifice was typically limited to playoffs and championship matches, but I see no reason why we can't apply the practice to regular season games. Just look at how excited sports fans get when it's Taco Night, imagine if they think there is a chance that they will get to see a live execution. Attendance would increase significantly.

This simple concept could certainly help to coerce me into finally becoming a big sports fan.