The Doctor Is In

I heard this conversation on the radio this morning:

Clueless Caller: I’m confused. My girlfriend has sex with me, but she refuses to ever kiss me on the mouth.

Relationship Doctor: There are two possibilities. It could be possible she is turned off by your breath or there may be psychological reasons why your girlfriend avoids kissing. Blah, blah, blah.

The Doctor's bottom line was if your girlfriend hardly kisses you, you need to ask her and yourself what the problem is. It might be fixable, but it may also be a sign that she lacks real feelings for you.

I think the Doctor missed the obvious. She ignored a third, but far more likely, explanation for this woman's behavior.

So it looks like it's up to me to help this guy out...

Dear Clueless,

I have some questions about your "girlfriend:"

• Does she usually greet you by asking "Are you a cop"?


• Instead of going out to dinner and a movie, does she just prefer the cash?


• Do most of your "dates" occur in parked cars or motels?


• Is her petname for you "John"?


• After the "date", do you drop her off on any corner?


• When you suggest that she come home to meet your mother, does she say "Okay, but that'll be an extra fifty bucks"?


• Is her favorite movie "Pretty Woman"?

If you've answered "yes" to one or more of the above, I suspect that she may not be your girlfriend after all. You may want to reconsider this relationship and look into some health screening.

Best Wishes,
Q. McLovin' M.D.

I can't believe no one has ever offered me my own advice column.