He Was What He Was...

Popeye, 78, of Sweethaven died on Plunder Island yesterday. Popeye was a famed merchant marine and spinach enthusiast whose real-life exploits became the subject of a King Features comic strip in 1929. The public’s love of the scrawny sailor with a heart of gold drew Popeye to Hollywood, where he played himself in hundreds of cartoons over the next six decades.

Not known for his mastery of grammar, he was renown for his many adventures...both on land and at sea. He first gained notoriety when he was hired by Castor Oyl to captain the “Tom Cod” on a mission to break the bank at a casino with the assistance of a magical hen. Perhaps his most personally rewarding crusade was when Popeye sailed out, in search of his long lost father, Poopdeck Pappy.

President Bush has authorized the USS Enterprise to transport Popeye’s ashes to the South Pacific for interment in the deep. The President stated that “Popeye has done more than anyone else in Hollywood, except maybe John Wayne, to promote the image of United States sailors.” The president also praised Popeye for promoting healthy eating habits.

Mourners at his memorial service included George W. Geezil, Harold Hamgravy, and Bluto, who tearfully eulogized, “He was a noble adversary. Our clashes were legendary. He died a warrior’s death.”

Popeye was killed after being ambushed by a gang of Goons sent by the evil Sea Hag. Normally strong to the finish, a recent recall on spinach left him defenseless against the henchmen. Neither J. Wellington Wimpy, nor Eugene the Jeep could revive the vanquished sailor.

Survivors include his wife of seventeen years, Olive Oyl and their adopted son, Scooner “Swee’Pea” Seawell.

In other news, novelist Kurt Vonnegut dies at 84...