Monday, December 11, 2006

Year Without A Santa Claus?

Photo obtained from Santa Claus' MySpace account

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children.

An ACLU spokesman stated that: "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been compiling information about children’s behavior in a vast database, many times without the parent’s knowledge or consent."

"This information is then used by Mr. Claus’ organization to determine which children are considered “naughty” or “nice” according to his own intrinsic belief system. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, as proof we have obtained memos and other company information."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a copy of a mass e-mail threat sent out to children worldwide which reads:

  • You better watch out.
  • You better not cry.
  • You better not pout.
  • I'm telling you why.
  • Santa Claus is coming to town.

In addition the ACLU believes those threats to be Mr. Claus’ way of engaging in mind control experiments designed to curtail children’s free will.

The ACLU claims the document, which was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization,"Clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result if the information in his database was made available to other agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children.

An anonymous source from inside Justice stated: "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business of attempting to get children to behave and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence."

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the IRS and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus: "Our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else in his organization paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers also."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty.

It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and I am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.


Anonymous Frank The Crank said...

I’m surprised they didn’t charge him as a pedophile too, especially with that photo on his MySpace. Santa’s all about the kiddies. CAIR will probably also get in on the action suing him for excluding Muslim children. Merry Christmas one and all.

13/12/06 09:38  
Anonymous reverse_vampyr said...

Is nothing sacred? LOL! Beat the bad rap Santa!

13/12/06 09:47  
Anonymous jumpmaster said...

Ha Ha! That's pretty funny stuff right there!

13/12/06 10:29  
Anonymous Recon said...

Now that's the Christmas spirit!

13/12/06 10:50  
Anonymous Dr. Rusty Shackleford said...

That's funny! I love the part where they can't extradite him cause he's hiding out at his north pole estate! Thanks for the laugh!

13/12/06 13:31  
Anonymous fidelio said...

You gave me a good laugh with that one! The ACLU going after secular Santa too huh? Reverse_Vampyr is right...nothing is sacred! LOL!

13/12/06 15:31  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I also heard PETA might be after Santa for his overworking of the reindeer and for abuse of a unique species like Rudolph. ;)

13/12/06 19:45  
Anonymous julie said...

Where are you getting this stuff! Sexy Santa LOL!!!

14/12/06 14:31  
Blogger Tracy said...

It never ends......

15/12/06 12:32  
Blogger Season said...

First of all, that picture is just WRONG! Second of all, who the heck thinks they can ban Santa? What is this world coming to?

15/12/06 13:09  

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